I don't know how to explain what it is
like for me to be at that conference.
Ordinarily, my mind is like an old
style slot machine. I have three gears running in there looking for
matches. It's sequential and regular and it's kind of background
noise to me now.
But when I get into a group of people I have new data streaming at me from every direction.
Being in an ordinary crowd is unnerving- being surrounded by narcos
is like having a pinball game in my head.
I tried to stay focused and not freak
out or cry.
There was an auction and one of the
members donated a white satin pillow with nails glued all over it.
I now wish I had a picture of it, but
it made me run out of the room.
I would literally shout out in my sleep
or quiet moments. And I found it very difficult to stay
on track. I stammered a lot, and can't remember anyone's names.
I don't know if you watch the TV show
True Blood- I only watched the first few episodes. Sookie , the
female lead, can hear other peoples thoughts. That's how I feel when
I'm with y'all.
Walking the corridors and seeing your exhausted eyes is nerve shattering. And those of you that are the sickest, I
hear you the loudest. I can see you walking with death and it
paralyzes me. I cannot speak to you. And maybe it's better I can't
because I would probably just frighten you. I don't know what to
do. I am my own worst enemy. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I
do what I can.
