This is why

Because it nearly killed me again.
I followed medical advice and it nearly killed me again.

Last October I had a skin infection, and the doctor said it was fine. But it wasn't, and it went septic and I had it lanced. And then he gave me keflex. And I took it because there's a lot of MRSA in doctors offices.

Anyhow, the keflex made me feel like hell. Tired, no memory or motivation. It was terrible. But that wasn't even the bad part.
I was feeling lazy, so we got some pizza from the gluten free restaurant. And I ate it.
The next day I was depressed. Crying, sleeping, whining. Laid in the dark with a migraine thinking it would pass.
And the next day I was insane. Weeping, screaming, pacing, freaking out. I tore the brand new blinds out of the window. I wanted to burn the house down.  My head was filled with flashing lights.
I was out of my mind in two days.
And then, THE DAY AFTER THAT...
I woke up and my nose and gums were bleeding. Profusely. They were completely blistered and I never felt a thing.

Apparently antibiotics make nut allergies more severe.
And there was nut flour in that pizza crust. Ordinarily I would have been sick, but not like that.
I really could have used that information. Really, I listen to things like that.

I try to stay sane. I try all day long every day. But every once in a while I still find myself screaming on the floor.

And begging my husband NOT to take me to the doctor. I'm afraid what will happen.

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Because this is my first memory-

Screaming in a bathtub full of ice water while having febrile seizures.

Because I spent most of my childhood screaming in my sleep.

Because the most significant event in my life turned out to be an excruciating head infection.

Because now I realize that one way or another, delirium will probably also be the last thing I do.